A car review...Part 2 :- the foreigners

Here it is...ladies and gent. Part 2 of my car review thingy. If you haven't read Part 1, you are advised to do so. Anyways, this is going to be a very short post as I have only driven 2 foreign branded cars in my life. I know. It's pretty sad.


One of them was the Kia Sportage. Here we have a 4wd people carrier big enough for 5 adults, plus 1 more in the boot. It has a 2 litre engine displacement, comes with an automatic gearbox and has the ability to switch from 4wd to 2wd. Manufacturers always state how technologically advanced this ability is but I say it's close to bullshit. Nobody is going to fiddle with the drives. Why bother? You have your standard instruments. CD player, power window on all four sides and that's the end of the good stuff. If my memory serves me well, it costs about RM80-90k back then...which was in 2002.

Now to my favourite part. The bad stuff. The air-conditioning is stupid. You will not feel a tinge of winterland, whether you are driving under the hot sun or in a rain storm. It's loud. But where is the cold air? The sealing is just as bad as my current car. Smoke from the busses will sip into the car easily. Someone once told me inhaling second hand smoke from smokers would kill you. I will bet my life that you would die earlier sitting in a Sportage, driving behind a smoke-emitting bus. If every other Korean car is going to be like this, it is no wonder the majority of Koreans look like a horse's arse. No, it is not in the genes. It is not in the food. Nor is it a punishment from God. It is just the fact that Koreans are inhaling just a tad too much smoke.


This is a picture of a Korean. He is Park Ji Sung from Manchester United.

This is a picture of a Korean inhaling too much bus smoke. The guy's called Rain or something like that but there...absolute prove that bus smoke can turn you into a butt face.

There is another flaw about the Sportage and it is how loud the engine is at 120 kph. The engine was vibrating. The car was vibrating. The people in it were scared half to death. By the time the Sportage reached 160kph, it is all smooth again. Weird but true. And no, I didn't have the balls to push the Sportage up to a 160. It was my dad's car for crying out loud. Who did it? My mom. A woman driver. It's true.

Now the other foreign car that I have driven was the Honda CRV. Yes another SUV. The Sportage was sold for the CRV. The CRV stands for Comfortable Runabout Vehicle but believe me, as a driver who is 6 feet and above, I can absolutely guarantee there would be no comfort when you are behind the wheel. Instead, Honda should put a notice on their brochures.

"The all new CRV. Comfort at it's best for short people."

You see, for people who are 6 feet, it is no more the Comfortable Runabout Vehicle that everyone else knows. Instead, it has turned into a Crotch Rubbing Vehicle. I am not joking. Sit yourself into the comfortable seats and you start to ask yourself,

"Why the heck is the steering wheel so low that it is already touching my crotch?"

Then you try to adjust the steering wheel, hoping to put it at it's highest level and you realise...IT IS ALREADY AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL! Every turn you make would make the steering wheel rub against your crouch. Now this would actually be a turn on if it was actually a woman rubbing my crotch. But the point is, Honda has once again shown that they are making cars for their available market which would mostly consist of short, thin, small-penised men. And of course the women. Guys out there who're tall, fat, manly and have gigantic penises. Look elsewhere.

Aside from the steering wheel issue, what you have here is a standard SUV with nothing exceptional to show. 2 litres of displacement for the engine with i-VTEC technology(whatever that is...), a fantastic air conditioning system, a stupid looking gear stalk which is next to the steering wheel, CD player, power windows on all four sides and that's it. It comes in at a hefty RM140k.

So you might ask, since I have actually driven these cars, why am I not making any comments on the drivability of these cars? I have to tell you honestly though...I hate SUVs. They are lazy off stand-still. Body roll is very evident around the corners. And you don't look cool anymore. It is a family man's car. Not for a youngster like me. I'd stick to my Saga anytime.

Women are hornier than men

Ladies and gentlemen. Finally, I have come up with a theory that proves women are hornier than men. Yes. You read right. I am talking about horniness, pervertness, hamsap-ness or whatever you want to call it.


See the other day a couple of my friends were discussing. Discussing about why men are always labelled as perverts when they talk about sex openly. About why men can talk about sex openly and women can't. About why women act all goody-goody when in fact they're as wild in bed. About whether a man's horniness level is indeed higher. Why? We ask ourselves. Well, I thought about it and seriously, it all comes down to general knowledge, a little information about Biology and a couple of basic and simple Mathematics. For those who get easily bored with scientific bullshit, hear me out. Seriously, this is a good one.


You see. Men and women are born equal. Besides the difference in the sexual organs, men and women share similar traits. Both have hands and feet. Both have hair. Both have eyes and ears and a nose. Both have assholes. Both have mouths. Oh yeah...there will be times when some unwanted birth defect would cause a person to be born with an asshole in the place of the mouth. Most people would call them weird but I'd prefer to call them shit talkers. They absolutely love to talk shit and it would take a dildo the size of a horse's penis to stuff and shut their mouths...arrr...I meant assholes...whichever suits you.


Back to the subject proper, another thing that differs men from women is in the genes. You see, the genes that make up a man are the X and Y genes while it is the X and another X gene that makes up a woman. So basically :-


X + Y = XY = man
X + X = XX = woman

Now here we assume that horniness exists in both men and women. So what gene is the common gene that both men and women have? That is right. The X gene. So if men, with their XY genes is labelled as horny, would women with their XX genes be labelled as extra horny? You see it's simple. The X gene carries the horniness in us. So :-


X(horny gene) + Y = XY = horny man
X(horny gene) + X(horny gene) = XX = double horny woman


And BAM!! I have just proven that women are indeed hornier than men. Of course there will be scientific nerds coming up to me, telling me that my theory is wrong. They would argue that maybe, just maybe, it is the Y gene that is the horny gene. Wait a tick. So if I were to put it in a mathematical equation again, wouldn't it look like this?


X + Y(horny gene) = XY = horny man
X + X = XX = plain and simple woman with no horniness level?


No, you assholes! If only the Y gene carries the horniness level in a person, that means women, with their XX genes are labelled as not horny? So where the hell do all the kids come from if women aren't horny? Can you imagine a world without horny women?? There would be no children. No prostitues. No pornography. No free sex. No sex buddies. The world would consist of men running around butt fucking each other...which is sick.


Man I can't believe I've actually derived an equation for a person's horniness. They should give me a Nobel or something. Teachers used to tell me that what I learnt, I will apply in my life. So there you go. It's simple yet absolutely brilliant. So the next time a woman comes up to you with a disgusted look when you're talking about sex openly, please kindly remind her of the X gene which is the horny gene and the equation :-


X(horny) + X(horny) = XX = super horny


And a small message to the women. If you're ever feeling horny(can't blame you...it's in your genes) you know where to find me.

This post is not to demean women.

















Like I care.
I'll continue with Part 2 of the car review thingy another day.

A car review...or something like that...Part 1:- the locals

While watching another episode of Top Gear, which is an automotive show hosted by Jeremy Clarkson, I came to realise that in my 3-4 years of driving, I've been behind the wheel of enough cars to actually host my own car review show. This is sort of a budget car review show because the only cars I've ever driven were Protons so please don't come up to me telling me your Honda or Toyota is a much better car. This post, I'm guessing, is pretty long so without wasting precious time, here we go.


Now the first car that I've ever driven was way back in 2002. It was a sort of training exam which I had to take at the JPJ test circuit and the car was called the Perodua Kancil. Words cannot describe how much I absolutely hate that car. Sure it was based on the Daihatsu Mira if I'm not mistaken but come on. The car makes you have the impression that it was built for your average Malaysian/Japansese/Asian whom must be not much than 4 inches taller than a dwarf. For those hovering around the 6 foot region, it is an absolute nightmare to be driving one of these. Even getting into the car is a chore to me. I have to :-

1) Push the seat all the way to the back
2) Insert myself into the seat, backside first.
3) Bring in my left leg, tucking it under the steering wheel in the process.
4) And finally bring in my right leg.

Since I'm supposed to be driving in a JPJ exam, shoes were a must and being the fat bloke that I am, I have pretty large feet. Which also means that whenever I were to step on the brakes, there's a chance(I reckon 100% chance) that I will be stepping on both the brake AND accelerator pedals at the same time. Yes, because the freaking car is so small. What about the comforts? Now to clear things up, I am not a pussy driver. I do not rely on aids like ABS and traction control when I drive(if I even have any). I have no time to check out any satellite navigation systems(again if I have any) or fiddle around with the radio. I just want a car, not a home entertainment system. And oh yeah, about the comforts, there're none in this car.

Sure some people would argue that with it's small displacement engine(660cc), it is rather fuel efficient. Well for the people who would still persist on getting a Kancil after reading my review, I would suggest you get one of these:-

Yes. It's a car carnival ride. It is just as fuel efficient since it is running on electricity. It has the same amount of space as a Kancil, with no comforts too. It is so much more better looking than a Kancil. And it will do 0-60mph in about the same time as a Kancil :- 4 days. Well what are you waiting for?

Moving on, after receiving my license, I had the the priviledge of driving my mom's car, which was a 1.5 Wira Aeroback with an Automatic gearbox. I was excited. Not because the car was good in any way but because I don't have to drive that shoe-box they call a Kancil anymore. Now the Wira at first glance is sporty. The 13 inch stock rims do not do justice to it's looks. In the car, you ride much lower to the ground compared to a Kancil. Which also means that if you're an 80 year old with cracking bones, you might want to take a look at some other cars. Everything from the exterior to the interior of the car is acceptable. Until...you turn on the engine.

With a displacement of 1.5, you would think that this car would fly(if compared to the Kancil) the moment you step on the accelerator. Boy, you are so wrong. It is not so much the engine at fault here but rather, the gearbox. It is stupid. It is lazy. It is dreadful. And it has ONLY 3 GEARS. What were Proton thinking? Because of the lack of gears and the well spaced out ratio, acceleration from standstill is like waiting for your bull to finish crapping before it continues to pull on your bullock cart. Be warned again that if you're an 80 year old with cracking bones, the steering wheel would literally kill you. It is heavy. It is gripless. Parking with the Wira is a chore. Resting your hand on the gear lever is not recommended for a slight movement of your hand would pull the gear from Drive(which is also D) to second gear (shown as 2) or from Drive to Neutral (shown as N). Stupid really.

Overall a much much better car than a Perodua Kancil.

Now since the Wira was my mom's car, my dad decided it'd be better to get me my own car. And thus, the Iswara came into my life. Again, a displacement of 1.5cc, that same bastard of a gearbox and 13 inch tyres. But wait, there's more. It is much lighter than a Wira, and is actually scarrier to drive above 120kph, has bad air conditioning, a radio from the 80's, less interior space, higher ride height, uncomfortable ride and most importantly, my god, it's ugly.

But again, putting that all aside, it was quite a good car. You see, with all the complains above, I've forgotten to mention one singular thing that makes it stand out :- it's light and bigger turning circle steering wheel. Yes ladies and gents, this car has a very light steering wheel which makes one-handed drives as easy as they come. The turning circle is also far greater that the Iswara can make a U-turn at a tighter space than a Wira. With the light weight, acceleration from standstill is...pretty much waiting for a bull to piss instead of crap before it will pull on the bullock cart but still, slightly faster than a Wira.

Body roll is terrible on this one. Every corner you take at high speeds will send the car leaning to the side so bad that if you were crazy enough to put a cup of water on your dashboard like a certain Japanese cartoon, not only will the water spill out, the whole cup would have flung itself out of the window. It was also during this time that I picked up mountain driving. Not from Initial D but from the fact that I rather drive around bends than trying to go fast on a straight road since the Iswara has only a top speed of...6? Driving on the mountain roads were as uncomfortable as it gets. Picture this :- you're climbing up a mountain, revving high in 2nd gear and a 90 degree corner looms up. What you want to do is to release the throttle a bit to enable engine braking so that your car would slow down and also at the same time correct any understeer. Instead, the gearbox shifts up to third the moment you release your foot off the accelerator, the revs are gone, the power is gone, and you start cursing. Of course you might say that I should be playing with the automatic gearbox, adjusting it from D to 2 to 1 and such but it's an automatic for Christ's sake. No use in pretending it is a manual.

After a year or two with the Iswara, it was time for a change. With around Rm40k as a budget and only new cars on my mind(no more second hand cars for me), it went down to either the Perodua Kancil or the Perodua Kelisa or a Perodua Kenari or perhaps another Proton Iswara. Oh and then...there's also the new Proton Saga LMST. I figure the LMST actually means Lunatic Mean Street Thing. Because believe me, this is the best car that I've ever driven. A downgrade to the engine displacement means I only have 1.3cc to play with. Don't be mistaken however because the Saga comes with a 5-speed manual and it absolutely smokes the 1.5 automatics from standstill. It is pretty much like the Iswara. However, with the additional bumpers and sideskirts, it weighs as much as a Wira which also means, it is much more stable around the bends and more planted to the ground at high speeds.

Some say it looks stupid. But to me, styling isn't a problem. It's how the car drives. With 14 inch tyres, it grips better than the 13 inches that I was so accustomed to. With the fitting of new bumpers to the front, braking while driving down a mountain provides a strong grip as the weight of the car is now focused more to the front. Engine braking can be done as it is a manual. And this thing zips around without much effort, thanks to the properly spaced and sufficient gears. Some say that the exhaust is a tad too loud. I say it is perfect. It is not silent like your everyday car nor is it noisy like the high pitch screams coming from a car fitted with a straight-flow exhaust piping. What it is, is a low basy brumble. Not noisy. Not silent. Just on the mark.

There are only 2 comforts in this car. One...is the power window mechanism on the driver's side. The other comfort would have to be the power window on the passenger's side. The car is at it's most basic. No cruise control, no fancy radio, it is...THE driver's car. It still retains the steering mechanism from the Iswara, which means it is light.

However, there are a few problems. With the small engine displacement, driving in it with 3-4 blokes as passengers means there is never enough power for you to ever meet Gear number 5. The power windows malfunction at times. The sealing is bad. You can actually smell the stench of Laksa(yes..i hate laksa...whatever that is) sipping into the car if you happened to be parked around a Laksa stall. Air conditioning brakes down now and then. Plastics clutter. A few pieces of plastic out of place. Wiper washers not working. Wipers not doing the job right and the list goes on. But that's what I like about it. There are a lot of problems like the one above, but there are none whatsoever with the 4 essential parts. Engine. Gearbox. Suspension. Steering wheel. As I have said before, I drive a car not for it's little party tricks but for the feel of the car. So what if the windows and air-cond are not working? So what if the plastics clutter? I don't care. Give me a car and I'll only do 2 things. Drive it fast. And drive it REALLY fast.

Stay tuned for part 2 where I review a Korean and a Japanese car.

KLIM (lots of pics...56k killer)

For this post you will notice a lot of broken English and Hokkien words used here. No I'm not changing my style. It's just that my mind is now full of Hokkien Ah Beng-ish words and phrases after listening to this :-

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=819FDE1109792735


Please be warned...For those who don't know Hokkien...don't bother downloading.
For those who are easily offended by obscene Hokkien words, lu ki siam pi ya ku(You go squat at the side)
The link is only valid for 7 days...so if you can't download later...directly ask from me lo.


The first thing that crept up my mind when I saw the KLIM(Kuala Lumpur International Motorshow) billboard was :-

cars + chicks = paradise


I went on a Wednesday at roughly 2pm and kanineh...the whole area outside PWTC was full of cars. Hello brother and sister...you people don't need to work one?? Then when country cannot make money you kao pek kao boh complain here complain there. Tulan simply find 1 parking spot but park there 3-4 hours also get RM7.50 bill...sien...can eat damn a lot roti prata already.


I masuk the hall and wah piang...whole place full of people. Want to see car also can't see properly. Who ask those model girls stand here stand there block the car 1?? Sien...I thought can pose with the car mana tau...sien...so lan lan got this crazy idea go pose with the model girls instead. But kanineh...I forgot to bring my balls that day. Want pose also don't dare. Beh tong lar...the girls all so chun. In the end bo chap siao(don't care) already...straight follow my friend pose.




Even the model must check my crotch there see got bring my balls along or not...wah lau...

Every car also sure got 1 sooi cha bor standing there. Want like that meh?? I tell you...

Every...

Freaking...

God damned...

Chee bai...

Car!!!

Wah lan...go motorshow see motorcar or see girls??

1 more thing...Kanineh I know these girls are models but also don't need so lan si kua...

Lim pek take photo of the girls but none look my way leh...Where can? I know I use phone take picture...quality a bit au(lousy)...but also give face a bit ma. I know I pay RM5 student price...cheapo ticket but still...i visit your booth leh. Wah piang they always smile so sweet at the uncle with big gigantic camera but show tulan face at my camera phone. I show u example la...

taken by my friend with his digi cam...sweet smile leh?

taken with my phone...long chong don wan look at my direction...kanineh...

When we pass by the Volvo booth...wah lan...

Damn panty-wetting, boner-inducing pose leh...chit tau lan ciao teng...

After being questioned by my friends about the whereabouts of my balls...I bo chap siao dee...straight go pose with her...in the end...

Si pek keat...


In the end...sien dee...too many people...destroy the mood only...While heading for the exit, we had to pass another hall...kanineh...the management damn pariah...why they put this hall as the last?? Already tired dee...suddenly...surprise!! we show you big expensive cars which you can only buy if you work and earn money............for the next 200 years.



Fallali...


Lampa...ooops...i mean lambo



BMW 6 series...convertible somemore ok? don't pray pray...

super keat eh porsey...i mean...porsche...

Got plenty of pics summore but I damn lazy to upload dee...kanineh...wan upload 1 pic also need to take 2 minutes. Anyways...it was a good experience lo. I mean..the last show was in 2003...so who knows...maybe this event is like once every 3 years. If you didn't go...wasted la bro. But then...still got JGTC la. Ticket RM250 nia ma...got pit walk leh...a lot meh now? Kanineh...got Jepun poh there leh. JEPUN POH ARR!! Most likely I'll be there la...see how lo.